Shane Ash

While continuing to reflect on my past year of spiritual practices, I want to spotlight an often overlooked practice: self-befriending.

If I had to choose one defining word for my inner reality over the past few years, loneliness would be the word. It has required significant spiritual practice to recognize and name that gnawing reality within me…for the loneliness went beyond a mere emotion; it became a constructed state of existence shaping my daily thoughts, feelings, and actions. I was loneliness. It was my identity, albeit a false one.

In such a state, one can be surrounded by many others, yet never fully able to rest or trust within those relationships. And this sense of loneliness often creates an intense craving for connection, even while the I-am-loneliness identity makes it almost impossible to form mutual connection with others.

Reviewing the forty-six years of life-happenings that formed my reality into such a state requires more narrative landscape than this brief blog post can contain. Suffice to say, life happens and subsequent patterns form. Yet, with great intention, awareness, and practice…just as the patterns formed, such patterns can be transformed. 

Ironically, one of my transformative moments was the recognition that I was not alone in my state of loneliness. I have discovered in my journey that many people endure such self-judgements of being an “outsider.” Many of us are walking through our lives with the ache of not being good enough for relationship with life, others, and ultimately, our own self. If there is good news in this misery, it is this – you, and I, are not alone in our loneliness!

Matter of fact, there is an abundance of active research exploring the concerns and the increasing experiences of loneliness within our society. I am particularly influenced by Dr. Vivek Murthy’s (the current U.S. Surgeon General) work on the issue. In his recent advisory, he identifies many of the causes and negative effects of loneliness on both personal and societal wellbeing as well as the importance of friendship and social connection. Of important note, broadly within the research it is acknowledged that the quality of connection is what matters most. Having just a few meaningful friendships can be transformative. Yet, for many of us, before we can authentically experience such meaningful connections we must engage a healing practice…the practice of self-befriending. 

Befriending one’s self. For some, certainly it was for me initially, that sounds like an odd task. I grew up thinking that my self was something I was supposed to reject. That I, at the level of my core essence and being, was inherently wrong, broken, bad, sinful, and that I should want to be rescued from myself. I have discovered this to be rooted in a mis-constructed idea of poorly designed religion. And for many, as it was for me, their deep loneliness remains tethered to this narrative. 

The awareness of loving oneself or befriending oneself has been around a long time. Almost every healthy religion summarizes itself with a “Golden Rule” = to love the neighbor as yourself. Loving one’s self is a prerequisite to genuine love of others. Self-befriending precedes any and all healthy friendships. 

So, how do we practice self-befriending? For me the practice took a long route. In my years of loneliness I have attempted a few remedies along the way in an attempt to calm the ache; some more healthy than others. However, nothing soothed the core wound. Those efforts include trying to manufacture close friendships; but come to find out, deep friendships require a mutuality of commitment and interest. And so the ache remained even while I found myself often surrounded by people. I was stuck in a longing for connection and hoping for meaningful conversations. And as long as I believed that others were the answer to my ache, I remained stuck. 

While the idea of a meaningful connection being the cure for my state of loneliness was not misguided in its purest form, my attempts to manufacture friendship or await chosen-ness was shortsighted. For the answer to the ache of loneliness so many of us sense is not something, or someone, outside of our own self. The answer to meaningful connection with others begins with… befriending oneself. Out of that practice will begin to flow meaningful connections with others. 

There is not a 1-2-3 plan for the practice of self-befriending. Every person will have to bushwhack a pathway of their own. But I can share with you some of the elements and signposts that will guide you along the way. 

First, self-befriending begins with an everyday practice of stillness and silence in order to listen to one’s own thoughts. Set aside 15-30 minutes a day to just sit and listen. Give close attention to any tensions in your body and any repeating thoughts. Acknowledge them with a simple, “I see you, and you are loved.” Befriending means…be your own friend! In these moments of restful listening and loving-kindness, it will begin to feel like an intimate dance with your own soul, a conscious interaction with your own consciousness. 

Second, imagine forming a connection so deep within your own self that you become your own steadfast ally, a confidant of support, a cheerleader for your own life. Speak kind encouragement to yourself. Be overly gracious. For the measure of grace you give will be the measure of grace you experience! (Luke 6:38) The more loving you become, the more Love you experience. (1 JN 4:8). 

In this time of sacred alliance, you will learn to recognize and celebrate the quirks and uniquenesses that make you truly human. Your failures will become wisdom-forming experiences rather than paralyzing shame stories. You will begin to embrace life exactly as it is…while simultaneously engaging the necessary work of healing, restoration, and re-formation. With consistent and conscious practice, you will cultivate a gracious inner conversation, and in response, you will find yourself acting in life with more courage and compassion.

Ultimately, self-befriending is the spiritual practice of compassion. And as we learn to engage compassion within, it shows up and strengthens our friendships and social connections. The rest and transformation we experience in the process is a sign that we are no longer stuck in shame, judgment, comparison, and the constant pursuit of external validation. 

Don’t knock it until you try it…and I am sure every one of us can benefit from more loving-kindness. Practice makes perfect they say…so practice friendship.