Last January, I wrote these words in my journal: “This year I must change. Where will I begin? How will the change happen? I reckon it will require intentionality, self-awareness, determination, and a group of faithful companions along the way.”
The recognition and commitment was a good beginning, but the real work of change came after. The past year has demanded many moments of remembering the goal and stop-and-starts to stay focused on the moment. Thankfully, I was aware enough to admit that while I was fully responsible for self-change, I would also need others to help mirror life back to me in ways I was unable to see.
Like any life, there were a complexity of reasons that led to the moment: the environments I found myself in, the relational patterns I was forming, and the personal practices (or lack thereof) that I was engaging. Or as they say…people, places, things…and doings. However one wants to calculate it, the bottom line was obvious—I was not fully living, not fully present in the here and now, and not fully engaging my own sense of agency. Instead, I mostly floated disassociated through days at a time, living within a barrage of negative thoughts and imagined stories. And my body was mirroring the chaos of my mind—anxious, pained, and increasingly weak. Meaningful conversations were scarce, and deep connections nonexistent. It was not that other people didn’t exist in my life, but as I can now see, it is impossible to truly experience meaningful connection or love when one is not present to themselves. And as long as I remained absent to myself, I was unable to be present with others.
Thankfully, I could see what was happening, I wanted to change, and I knew change would require a new set of practices. I would have to train myself differently if I wanted to experience a different kind of life.
And so it began. I wrote down four words that represented my commitments for the year:
- Intentional: I am responsible for my daily actions, developing routines, and my own contentment.
- Connection: I will connect with at least 3 people per week who energize me and foster conversations that deepen me.
- Awareness: I will pay attention, without judgment, to the here and now. I will pay attention to what is happening within myself.
- Relinquishment: I will let go of practices, patterns, and plans that are not working.
Today, I am pleased to look back and see the progress of the past year. I have honored each commitment in various ways and experienced significant transformation. The baseline of my inner awareness is one of joy, contentment, and rest. The daily routines in my life are dramatically different.
There are many insights from the past year that I will write about in the months to come, but the single most impactful practice is undebatable. The commitment to weekly connection and conversation has been the core inertia for change.
Throughout the next month, I will share more about what I have learned about how friendship is a transformational practice. But for today, I want to acknowledge a handful of friends (Paul, Letiah, Jamie, Casey, Danielle, Matthew) who have each spent hours of time in conversation with me over the past year. Each one of them represents a different part of me that has been seen, heard, recognized, held, and ultimately loved in our time together. I believe the experience was mutual.
Our conversations were fairly simple in structure—checking in with one another, discerning decisions together, telling stories, dreaming about projects or possibilities, allowing our lives to be seen through a different lens, and mirroring back to one another the other’s inherent worthiness. Each of them knows the intentionality of our time together…and for each of you, I am grateful.
As I begin to unpack the experience of the year, I am foremost aware of the transformative kind of love I have experienced in these friendships. A kind of love that empowers and strengthens one another. An unwavering belief in the goodness of the other, and a recognition and celebration of the capability of the other.
What I have experienced in these friendships reminds me of the O’Donahue insight about the nature of a true friend: “A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.” (John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, 19)
So, as this calendar year winds down, I write this reflection as a practice of gratitude. Thank you.
And to each of you I offer you back this blessing, “May you recognize in your life the presence, power, and light of your soul. May you realize that you are never alone, that your soul in its brightness and belonging connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe. May you have respect for your own individuality and difference.” (O’Donohue)
Let’s run it back!
Shane Ash 